A year in retrospect

Now that I've been home for three weeks, I guess it'd be a good time to reflect on the school year that has passed. Because writing about things in a timely manner is overrated.
The first three months of this school year were phenomenal. I had so much fun and never took a moment to be anything less than deliriously happy. I don't know exactly what the turning point was, but there definitely was one, and after that undistinguishable moment, I stopped having fun. I was filled with ennui and, for a while, I kind of stopped leaving my room. The last few weeks I sort of rediscovered my ability to enjoy myself and I did just that--and had an amazing time of it. I thought I'd make up a little recap of the year, and provide myself with some highlights upon which to look back when I'm old and shriveled and unable to remember my raucous college years without some help.

1. Going to Pho 11 during the first week of school. I was with some of my favorite people, as well as some who weren't yet friends, but would become dearer to me than I had ever imagined last summer. We made up a drinking game based on all our individual quirks, and it was so interesting to see how the little things you do look to other people. That night, I laughed so hard I peed myself a little bit.

2. Dumping my drink all over George when I saw him for the first time. Though completely sober, I simply forgot that I had a cup full of jungle juice in my hand when I went to hug him. We were both rather damp for the remainder of the evening.

3. Going from total strangers to close friends with Kevin, all in the course of a single football game.

4. Getting caught in a torrential downpour while walking down Beaver Avenue with Jess. We entertained a packed Saints Cafe when we were scared poopless by a particularly booming thunderclap, and, when it started hailing, scrambled to catch the Blue Loop, both of us soaked with mascara dripping down our faces.

5. Canning in John's town, Johnstown. (See what I did there?) We drank Yuenglings and watched Thankskilling. I cuddled on the floor with Brian Trager all night, and watched him grind up on an elderly woman's car the next morning.

6. The FT5K.

7. Hurricane Sandy. Classes were cancelled for the first time in seven years, so we did what any Penn Staters would: we drank. We watched three movies and went to College Pizza, where Alex Troup fell asleep.

8. The Thespian hayride. My car battery died, I got lost, I sang along to Mumford with some of my favorite people. I ate more than I should have, had my butt grabbed by a freshman, sang camp songs, and saw seven shooting stars. It was a whirlwind.

9. Being Toddlers in Tiaras with four lovely ladies and Ben Sereda. We won Best Costume, the prize for which was special shots. I remember nothing past that point.

10. The Ohio State game. We lost, but I've never heard more noise coming out of human beings.

11. Cooking dinner with Jon, Jess, and Brian. We drank coffee, baked cookies, and talked about everything from linguistics to adoption to farts.

12. Eloise. I discovered that I can direct, and pretty damn well too, if I say so myself. I created something I could truly be proud of and that was a good feeling.

13. Communion. It wasn't as amazing as it was built up to be, but there's something about tradition that really just gets to me.

14. Seeing Perks, then immediately going to the Diner for Grilled Stickies. It was the first time I really talked to Hailey, and that one afternoon ended up creating one of my closest friendships. They mentioned Grilled Stickies in the movie, so we couldn't resist getting some ourselves. We had the annoying waiter and laughed our asses off. And ate grilled stickies.

15. Making French onion soup at the B4. We pretended we were going to make Jess watch porn, much to her distress and our immense delight.

16. Going to New York with Jess and Susan. Our room was beautiful, we saw Newsies, went backstage at Newsies, and did two museums. It was a good weekend.

17. Going to D.C. with concert choir. I think it was that weekend that made me realize that people in concert choir actually like me. We put on an amazing concert and I got close with some people I hadn't known very well before. I got cheesecake and lost my phone.

18. My phone-less month. It was liberating.

19. THON. I skipped my last two R&R shifts and it was the best decision I could have made. I got to cry and go crazy with my beautiful org and our two perfect 4D families. I got to direct Eloise one last time and play with some lovely children.

20. The Moustache Party. I knew it was going to be a good night based on the positive response to our extremely punny facebook event. I looked super hot, took thousands of pictures, and learned to swing dance (sort of).

21. Bernstein's Mass. It went from the most tedious, thankless music I'd ever sung to the most rewarding musical/theatre experience of my life. I also got to spend a day bonding with my dad which was much-needed at the time.

22. Meeting my family for lunch in the middle of nowhere. I was feeling down and I wanted to do something about it. I drove two hours for a free lunch and lots of hugs.

23. The Spring class's Communion. Again, it's that tradition. And seeing it happen from the other side really just left me feeling full.

24. Reefer Madness. I complained about it a lot, but I forged new friendships and strengthened some old ones. And the cast party was awesome. I think.

25. The final weekend. I went to Movin' On where I got tipsy, caught up with Nigel, and saw MGMT perform my favorite of their songs, Time To Pretend. Then I went to formal where I took pictures, drank champagne, and talked to Tali about boys. The next day was the picnic, which was lovely, despite the fact that I got pulled over on the way. And then there was Case Race, where I cried while chugging beer, proposed to a stranger, went in a fountain in a thong, climbed a tree, and ate a fat bitch (sandwich) for the first time. I made out with a certain boy, then lost my phone.

So I really should be sleeping, because it's 3AM and I have class in five hours, but I had some thoughts that I just wanted to put down on some figurative paper.

Today was Communion for the spring pledge class. I didn't enjoy my Communion all that much, mostly because of the attitudes of my fellow pledges and the terrible weather. Still, for some reason, I wanted to be a part of theirs. Maybe I just wanted to have the opportunity to experience it in a different way, one that might be more positive.
I wasn't disappointed. I'm a sucker for pageantry and tradition, so while the "run-around-campus-doing-stupid-things" part was pretty whatever, lying on the floor of the Schwab balcony "om-ing" and whispering people's names was so much more fun that I ever thought that could be. Even if I did fall asleep. I lay there, shivering on the floor, wondering how many people had been there before me, and felt a profound connection with the past, the way I do when I look at our family tree or read my great-grandmother's journal.
When it was over, the personal stuff began, and a few people shed tears over their love for Thespians. I scoffed at them a little at first; I've been feeling a little disenchanted lately with the organization as a whole, but as I looked around the room, it occurred to me that nobody in that room is a bad person, and there is probably no one in that club who wouldn't be there if I needed let them. I've really lost sight of that in the past few months, and that's kind of sad. There may be drama, and some of them may be annoying as all get-out, but they're the friends I have, and they're pretty damn decent ones at that. There are few things over which I'd rather deprive myself of sleep.

It's one of those nights when I'm feeling sick to my stomach over how much of a slacker I've been this semester. Prepping myself for terrible grades.
fuckfuckfuckfuck

BEDA: Day LOL

In true form, I have thus far truly failed at this. My self-betterment projects never work out for me. I did, however, post a new video today.

BEDA: Day Three

Today my French teacher pulled me aside to ask me what was going on.
"What?" I asked, bewildered.
"You acted very disturbed in class today."
I was surprised by this, because I didn't think I acted any differently in class today than I usually do. Maybe I was a little quieter, but my friend who sits behind me wasn't there. The weird thing is that I wasn't even in poor spirits this morning. I sputtered something about being stressed and went on my way. But for some reason this little incident really upset me. I mean, there have been days when I've spent that class literally fighting back tears. But today of all days, I looked upset enough for her to show concern? Did I look disturbed?
The thing about this professor is that she loves to call me out about being shy. "Tu es trop timide," she loves to say, with a little giggle to ease the tension, to which I respond with an equally disingenuous titter. I don't speak in class often, this is true. I don't speak often in any class, and I don't think I'm the quietest person among that particular group of people.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, I'm just kind of ranting.
I don't really know where I'm going with anything.

Today's beauty: I watched three episodes of Veronica Mars.
Books read this year: 5
Currently reading: Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides and The Madness Underneath by Maureen Johnson (Yes, I started a second book. What of it?)

BEDA: Day Two

Today contained an awful lot of feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt for one that started off so nicely. I woke up excited at the prospect of a free meal with a lovely person. Then, from around 2PM forward, I spent quite a large percentage of the time holding back tears. Just one of those days.

Anyway, I'm starting that thing bloggers do where they have a little thing on the bottom offering sort of glimpses into their lives. "Chipotle burritos eaten this year," "current nail polish color," you know the like. I see them as kind of metaphorical mile-markers of life. I don't know if these are the ones I will stick with, but here goes:

Today's beauty: I didn't have to go to Mass rehearsal.
Books read this year: 5
Currently reading: Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides (I started this in July, but I am actually going to finish it this time!)

BEDA Day One

This week is hell week for the School of Music's production of Bernstein's Mass, which I am in. Clearly. Why else would I be talking about it? Anyway, I call it hell week but as hell weeks go, it's relatively light: three and a half hour rehearsals each night are small potatoes when compared to the 7PM - 1AM runs we have during show weeks for NRT. I guess the difference here is that I did not volunteer for this, and if it did not exist, I'd be headed to Florida at the end of the week. Oh well.

Today's rehearsal was actually pretty cool. It was the first time I'd heard the whole thing and seen the movement and set and lighting design, etc. I loved seeing how something that has seemed so abstract to me for so long actually has a shape, one that I might hazard to say is pretty beautiful. Since I sit onstage the whole time (onstage being a loose interpretation of the word; I'm mostly behind a curtain), I had a lot of time today to think about the meaning of the production. It's not really a musical, and little, if anything, is actually spelled out for you. Sitting there, counting the measures until my next bout of singing, I was analyzing the symbolism within the piece, and for the first time ever, I started to feel like a future English teacher. Maybe I should take this as a sign that I really am on the right path.

I've had these moments of so-called clarity before, though and they always collapse back into uncertainty and doubt. Never once in my life have I felt "called" to be a teacher, yet that is what I am studying, paying thousands of dollars, to become. Honestly, I would love nothing more than for the writing thing to work out. That is what I want to do more than anything else.
Whew.
It has been a long time since I actually admitted that to anybody. What is it about this society that has made me afraid not only to go after my dreams, but to merely acknowledge their existence? So many of my friends are going for their dreams, even when many of them are close to impossible. How are they brave enough? Or maybe the better question to ask would be: why am I not brave enough? I would consider myself a fairly strong person. At least, stronger than many people my age I know. So why is this one thing so hard for me? Why am I so scared?

Sometimes I accidentally get too personal on twitter. I should really remember to channel those sentimental/introspective/existential musings urges to this blog. That is what it's for! My 137 twitter followers could not care less about my feeling trapped and isolated in State College and the fact that I spend a majority of my time wishing I were jet-setting about the globe. At least, that's my assumption.

But anyway today is awesome because I passed up drinking for watching An Education and geeking out about film stuff with Tali. I honestly cannot wait to live with her. We will never get anything done. Just Doctor Who and movies and food 24/7.

Today I walked around with a sour look on my face. I was stressed, I was tired, I was angry at...well nothing, really. But everything at the same time. My mondays start at 8 and don't end until 9:30, and it gets less bearable each week. Not even the quickly accumulating blanket of snow could lift my spirits today. I was, in all honesty, determined to be miserable.
When classes were finally over for the day, I trudged out into the cold only to see that I had just missed the bus. Great, I thought, yet another reason to hate today. But as I walked back to my apartment alone through in the dark, all my worries flitted away, cliche as that may be. The snow blanketed everything in clean perfection, magicking away the shitty day I had, which I realized was not so shitty after all--the assignment I scrambled to finish this morning isn't due until Wednesday, and now I have it done in advance. We didn't have to sing in octets in concert choir, I bonded with kids in my writing class and my professor liked my story. Basically, most everything went my way today, and I was too wrapped up in my own mind to notice.
In short, I experienced for the second time this year the healing power of a good snowfall, and that is why today is beautiful.

The easiest goddamned thing in the world

I'm stuck in this sort of metaphorical space between wanting to be constantly moving, going, exploring, and getting irreversibly attached to places. Last week, for example, during my spring break, I repeatedly experienced feelings of anxiety when I thought about returning to school. So I made plans to come back this weekend. Then, as Friday approached, I became increasingly sad at the thought of missing two fun days with my friends. But now that I'm safe in my own home, facing the long trek up Pennsylvania Route 322, I feel rather an intense aversion to the idea.
I had some unhappy weeks in State College, so I started to make plans to leave for a semester, chasing my dream to live in another place for a while. London, in this case. But as my plans progress, I realize more and more that, while I am unbelievably excited to go, I'm also upset at the prospect of missing some irreplaceable college experiences during that semester. At the same time, I know that if I didn't go, I'd never forgive myself. All the while, I never really want to leave my parents' house.

I think it's safe to say that all this fretting is tied to my fear of change or, likelier still, my tendency to cling to my childhood. Somehow I worry that the more time spent away from home, the more grown-up I'll become. I realize, of course, that this is a logical fallacy; I can't slow time no matter where I am. That knowledge, though, doesn't really help me.

I guess this internal phenomenon is best described by one of my favorite John Green quotations, from his third novel, Paper Towns: "It is so hard to leave--until you leave. Then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world." I feel this every time I get into my car at the start of a long trip, namely one between here and State College. I don't want to do it. I never want to take the plunge into a decision that could change something or everything, even though, logically, I know it probably won't. But once I press that gas pedal, once I start moving, everything is fine. The more distance I put between myself and my past, the less I worry about what's coming.

Today is beautiful because I am GOING HOME tomorrow morning!

Ps: my roommate has been talking about the SINGLE ZIT she has for ten minutes. I am not joking.

Today is beautiful because today's high school observation went much better than the other one and restored my faith in teachers, plus I got a feature in the musical I'm in! AND in forty-eight hours I will be in my very own bed at home!!!

In other news, I am considering cooking/blogging my way through a cookbook, a la Julie and Julia, but with something way simple. It would be half an exercise in semi-satirical writing and half a motivator for me to actually cook rather than eat buttered noodles or peanut butter on toast every day. I'd probably vlog some of it too? What do you think? (you being me because I'm the only one who reads this. For good reason)

Today was beautiful because one of my professors gave out cupcakes--in a 130-person lecture.

Today is beautiful because what started out as a really shitty morning (complete with tears over my Ramen Noodles) turned into a pretty good day, culminating in a free Imagine Dragons concert, which was absolutely unreal. So glad I was able to get in!

Today is beautiful because THON 2013 was absolutely incredible and because my friend from high school just scored the position of the next mascot, which is an insanely sought-after position.  paiihrufjkna;lrjg a;lrgj argj
^^how I feel

I'm constantly yoyo-ing between being excited for the future and being completely averse to the idea of having any responsibilities beyond watching entire television series in the span of a weekend or keeping items in both my tumblr queues. Between knowing that teaching is what I'm meant to do with my life and knowing that it's the last thing I could possibly do with my life. It's kind of like how every Friday I spend the entire day thinking about how I don't want to go out that night, but the minute someone texts me about a party, I don't even hesitate to accept their invitation. I guess that's just what twenty feels like.

But anyway, today was beautiful because the sun was out, I put together a package for our dancers, and because it was my last day of classes for the week. Also I posted a new video.

Today was beautiful because I watched Silver Linings Playbook, and because Letting Down Boy was not as painful as I feared!

I used to say that boys don't like me, but lately I've realized that that's not true. It's just that the wrong boys like me.
Or maybe I like the wrong boys.

Beyonce

Today was beautiful because my team won the Superbowl!

Even if they hadn't, though, it still would have been an amazing time. I made buffalo chicken dip and some of my favorite people came over and we had pokey stix (which is like cheesy bread, I guess?) and  had cookies delivered. We didn't do much watching of the game, but we did catch the best plays (109 yard return?!!!?!?!) and the few commercials that were actually good. BUT BEYONCE THOUGH. All my friends are obsessed with her and Destiny's Child so we were just spazzing out the entire time she was singing. I wish the halftime show were longer, man.
Anyway so now I'm just putting off homework and also remembering about how two summer ago, when I was backpacking through Europe, I met this reeeeally cute English boy on a bus in Slovenia, and he was reeeeally into football. Yes, AMERICAN football. (Weird, I know.) And his team was the Ravens! For no good reason except that when he was six someone gave im a Ravens jersey and they've been his team ever since. So I'm thinking of him and how happy he must be this evening. Although, I guess he can't have watched it yet because it's 5:30 in the morning on his side of the pond.

So now I need to sleep off this food baby. Starting tomorrow I am beginning a serious diet and exercise regime because I learned today that in less than three months I will have to be onstage in my underwear. Good.

But seriously, Beyonce, though.

Today is beautiful because I don't have class today!

When my schedule for the semester ended up the way it is (8AMs Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and no class Thursday), I was a bit skeptical and nervous and whatever because I thought the 8AMs would be so terrible it would cause me to just waste my days off by sleeping until four. But it turns out that I like being up to watch the sunrise every morning. And no, I am not being sarcastic. My Thursdays have been amazing; I wake up around nine or nine-thirty, and then spend the day reading, writing, watching movies, making videos, drawing, and painting. I try to get as much work done as I can on the days I do have class so that I can devote my days off to myself. I don't even like to make plans with friends on these days because being alone is something I enjoy more than is probably healthy, and it's a joy that I sort of lost sight of during first semester when I spent every free moment with other people. I've noticed that, now that I've made time to pursue my creative interests, I feel much better about my life and myself.

This week has generally been pretty awesome. Yesterday in particular was great because it was warm and springlike, so I wore a skirt, plus it was my friend's birthday and her parents told her they'd pay for all her friends to have dinner, so we had delicious Thai food and then ice cream cake. Plus I watched Insidious and Matilda.
On Tuesday, I had a trip with one of my education classes to a high school to observe classrooms. Now, I've been known to put down the education I got at St. Mark's, but that day gave me a whole new perspective. For the most part, the kids seemed to be fairly upstanding individuals. That is to say, I never felt like any of them were likely to pull a knife on anybody any time soon, but in several of the classrooms, kids were blatantly making racist and homophobic jokes, and the teachers didn't even attempt to discipline them. I don't know if it's because they don't think they can make any difference, or because they themselves are racist and homophobic and thus don't care about such behaviour. Probably a combination of both. The biggest thing for me though, was that the discussion level was far below anything I ever experienced in high school, even in the AP classes. One class of juniors was reading Of Mice and Men, and there is no doubt in my mind that my eighth grade class had a higher understanding of the text than these 17-year-olds. And I didn't get the impression that the teachers expected anything more out of them. In fact, the AP lit teacher openly displayed surprise when one of the students made an insightful observation, and later, in conversation with me, basically called her students stupid while they were in the room. So basically the day didn't teach me much about teaching, which I think it was supposed to, but it did lead me to realize that I am extremely privileged, and I have taken that for granted.


ALSO, I made a video today and you should watch it. Do it, you won't.

Today was beautiful because I received a free advanced reader's copy of a book (that I've never heard of, but still, I've never gotten an ARC before!), and the cute boy in my writing class was wearing hipster glasses today, thus making him even cuter in my estimation.

Today was beautiful because I saw Cloud Atlas and it was amazing. Cinematically, it had a few issues but the story and the writing and the acting were all superb. I'm adding the book to my depressingly long 'to read' list, because I know it will be even better. I probably won't sleep tonight either because I'll be thinking about my actions and how my life could be touching others'.

Also, after a week of single-digit temperatures, twenty-seven degrees felt downright balmy.

Today is beautiful because...

Last year, when I was at something of a low-point, I started this thing where every day I wrote at least one good thing that happened in my life that day. After a while, things got better and I stopped needing it, so eventually, the posts petered out and the project was over.
The thing about it, though, is that I love going through and reading those entries and remembering the little things that made me smile each day. I'd love to start up again, but as it turns out I've become terrible at doing things that don't involve the Internet, so I figured the logical alternative is to turn to the tried-and-true blog format. Plus, I'm desperate for attention and constantly searching for new ways that might garner it. (I'm mostly kidding.)
So anyway.

Today is beautiful because I watched a puppy video that made me cry and I skyped with Kim for three hours. We talked about everything and nothing at all and it was fantastic. I miss seeing her every day, and I am beyond excited for her adventures in England this semester. Her being there, even though it's barely been 24 hours and she hasn't done anything, is making me increasingly sure of my resolution to study abroad next year, and that's a good thing.